Orchids That Bloom After Winter: 5 Tips for Coping with Grief and Loss

          Last night while making dinner, I cut the cheese. No, silly, not the “flatulence” kind. The extra sharp cheddar that my mom would use whenever she made baked spaghetti or mac and cheese. I cut a portion off of the block, then sliced it into two before passing a piece to both of my boys for them to have a taste. I was triggered almost instantaneously as I bit into my own slice. My teeth clenched, my jaws locked, and I was bombarded by a sea of memories of her. In moments like this, my mother’s death is like a deep surgical wound that ruptures repeatedly without warning.

          There is no time limit on the emotions tied to the grief we experience. It’s been over 13 years since my mom died, but I still find myself depressed, enraged, regretful, abandoned, and frustrated at times as a result of her absence. I try to be conscious of the things that trigger these emotions. I recognize that becoming aware of your triggers can be tough, as remnants of your loved ones may lie in the smallest detail of your day to day life. Make a mental note of the settings and situations you’re in when you start to feel the detrimental emotions that can be to your loss. One thing that helps me is my own belief that these remnants of the deceased are merely reminders of their presence and the ever transcending energy that gave them that spark we call life. I am starting to notice that practicing healthier coping strategies helps me to feel more at peace. It definitely empowers me to be most effective with the other aspects of my life.

          My 5 tips for coping with grief and loss took me some time to develop. With the help of one-on-one counseling, group therapy targeting grief and loss, and a few years of self analysis I have finally been able to pen-point what things help me to feel better when dealing with the loss of my mother, as well as others close to me who have passed away.

Tip #1 Don’t be afraid to talk to (or about) your loved ones who’ve passed.

          It’s perfectly fine, and recommended by mental health professionals, to talk to your loved one as if they’re still there with you. Their physical being may not be present, but their essence certainly remains. It may help to send a message via Facebook or a text, make a post on their wall, or write a letter that you address to them but never mail off. This has helped me in the past to get out things that were left unsaid, or to share major milestones in my life with my deceased loved ones. Don’t let talking about them become awkward or taboo. Talk about them amongst mutual friends, and make sure to spread their memory amongst the younger generations.

Tip #2 Celebrate their life.

          Plan to host memorial celebrations on their birthday to honor their birth and existence. Put together a playlist of their favorite songs and maybe even a slideshow with photos of the deceased. These types of celebrations can be held on birth dates, but also on death dates to bring people together in joy instead of despair. Start an organization in the name of your loved one or the social cause most related to their life (or death), or if you don’t feel that impelled, you could donate to one that already exists. Find little ways throughout the year to celebrate their life and be grateful that they did in fact grace the world with their presence.

Tip #3 Don’t dwell on the "what ifs" and "whys".

          It does no one any good for us to sit around and mope, wondering what we could have done differently or how we could have changed the situation. We must have faith in the fact that all things have purpose. Sometimes we don’t see the reason why until years down the line. It’s very common for people to never recognize the purpose or “silver lining” that comes from the tragedy of loss. Everyone takes their own amount of time to come to terms with the circumstances surrounding the grief, and that's okay. Give yourself some time, but not too much of it. Most importantly, don't be afraid to seek help and counseling if you feel it's necessary.

Tip #4 Keep yourself occupied by healthy, positive things (and thoughts).

          You know what they say; “An idle mind is the devil’s playground.” We’ve got to constantly feed ourselves reaffirming thoughts to fight off the negative emotions. They have a tendency of creeping in when we allow our minds wander. We sometimes even fuel these “bad vibes” by turning to outlets that are a reflection of the unpleasant aspects in life. Focusing on bad news in the media, listening to melodramatic songs, and even depressing television can keep us wallowing in sadness, and that’s not what we want. Our goal is to find coping mechanisms that help us to feel better, not worse. This could be picking up a new hobby or craft, going out with friends and family more, and even small things like reading or cleaning your home. Whatever you do, just stay active and think good thoughts!

Tip #5 Replace the bad memories with happy ones.

          It’s completely normal to feel bad about a fight that you had with your deceased loved one, or to feel regretful for that time you weren’t able to show up. What’s not okay is dwelling on these things and allowing them to cloud your brain and be the bulk of your memories surrounding the person you love. At these moments when you are feeling flooded with memories of the bad stuff, flush them out with happier, more positive memories that will be reassuring of the love shared between you and the person you’ve lost.

Bonus tip! Live on and thrive FOR your loved one.

          Now that your loved one has passed, I implore you to honor their memory in the greatest way by being the best YOU that you can be. Every day that you wake up and breathe air is a day that you are favored. We must live on and do the many great things our beloved deceased is no longer here to do. Spread love, be compassionate, and make a difference in the world around you. Take advantage of every moment and opportunity placed before you. Be strategic in the advancement of your life so that you will be able to live on in their name; and no I don’t mean just breathe air and be here, I mean LIVE!

Growing up I wondered what I would do if my mom ever died. I had no clue that it would happen as soon as it did. I used to imagine myself in a crazy house, completely shut down, closed off from the world and wilting away if I lost my mother. I couldn’t imagine life without her. After over a decade, I am finally able to see the silver lining in the dark cloud that swooped over my life that cold, somber morning in October. I know that I would not be the woman I am today, fortified by tenacity and poise, if the circumstances of my life were any different. My hope is that these tips will help you see the orchids that bloom after winter when positively coping with the grief and loss of a loved one.

Peace and blessings.

With love,

Tenacious T